angst, feels, sad, dead, please no

Crushes that linger and trans questions

So this week I found out that guy had a major crush on last year separated from his girlfriend of eight years. I wish I could say I was very surprised by the way I felt, at the news, but to be honest, not really. I’m also not really surprised that most of it is complicated and weird and not always comfortable.


Like, aside from the him-specific bits and the kinda unavoidable disappointment in knowing your crush doesn’t like you back, it brings back a lot of questions and fears I have about dating as an almost-definitely-gay trans man, especially pre any kind of transition other than social and it’s...not a comfortable place. These are questions I don’t have answers or models for, and I don’t really have an offline community where I can try to come up with answers for them.

I don’t know any other trans person in Phnom Penh, and while my friends are absolutely supportive and all, these are not problems they’ve been confronted with before and therefore they have even less information, let alone answers, than I do.

(I was talking with a bunch of them at lunch today and at one point I talked about my experience s a trans guy, including the knowledge that being interested in men who like men can be real complicated when you don’t have a dick, or plans to get one, and one of them sort of...didn’t believe it could be a problem, at first. Which, on the one hand, I get it: if you’d told me before I got more informed on queer topics that cis gays could be transphobic, or that gays could be biphobic etc. I’d have been surprised too—I was surprised when I found out about it, though not as much as I’d have thought I’d be—but on the other hand: it’s always frustrating to express a fear only to have someone deny its legitimacy, even out of very well-meaning ignorance.)


There’s no solution I can think of to these issues right now, except maybe got to sleep and hope I’ll feel better tomorrow but it’s still not my coolest evening this week, and I wish I had a pet I could hug.

(Note: I'm aware I haven't been active here in ages and I'm sorry about that it's just that what I like about DW (namely, that it requires actual effort to work as a social website) is also what makes it more difficult to use during franctic preiods like I've had for the past couple of months, or weeks at the very least. sorry :/)
Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
smile, happy, grin

About my writing, and letting go

So, I was going to do a big Thinking Post about all the fics in progress I’ve failed to touch (or in some cases, think of) for…anywhere between two to eight years. I was planning on having, idk, a summary of what went wrong and a maybe even try to see if any of them had a chance of being picked up. After all, I’m turning 30 next year, and I figure that’s as good a reason as any to decide if I want to do a clean slate-style move or not.

The thing is, though, that looking at the multichaptered fics I’ve abandoned…none of them makes me feel like going back to them.



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Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
done, ugh, tired

The lull after hard work

One thing I’m starting to understand as I try to (very slowly) work on a co-writing project about a fandom I’m currently into (yes, it is Good Omens, how did you guess) after spending seven months working on the same fic and spend my days at work alternating between long stretches of intense focus and moments when I can’t stomach the thought of doing anything remotely intellectually challenging, is that I seem to be a very start and stop sort of person/content creator.

I don’t think it’s that unique a thing, really. It’s just that it’s taken me this long to start realizing that I need periods of being a consumer in between bouts of being a creator, which is possibly a bit of an ill-timed realization when you’ve just agreed to co-write a story, but I’m fortunate to have a patient co-author, so it’s okay.


Collapse ) </div> Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
magic, books, sarcasm

Fic Masterpost: Clark Kent, of Krypton

Story banner by Stuvyx

FANDOM: DC’s cinematic universe.
RATING: Mature.
WORDCOUNT: 98 211 words
PAIRING(S): Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne (main focus is on Clark, though).
CHARACTER(S): Kal-El | Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Jor-El, Lara Lor-Van, Kara Zor-El, Zor-El, Martha Kent, Alfred Pennyworth, Diana Prince, Barry Allen, Arthur Curry, Victor Stone, John Stewart, J’onn J’onn, plus a quick cameo by Lois Lane.
GENRE: Alternate Universe (canon divergence), transition fic with romance.
TRIGGER WARNING(S): A great deal of anxiety and self loathing, especially in parts one and two. Some descriptions are heavily inspired by my experience of dysphoria-induced dissociation.
SUMMARY: Batman crashes on Krypton a few days before the Turn of the Year
celebrations and Kal-El's life takes a sharp turn to the left, on a path
that will ultimately lead him to becoming Clark Kent.

CKOK ON DW: [I. Kal-El] [II. Shadow] [III. Superman] [IV. Clark Kent]

[Full fic tag] (Will also contain Maing of Posts and answers to questions when applicable)

[Clark Kent, of Krypton]

Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
think, question

If it's not canon, it's not enough

So I’ve been giving thoughts to the idea of Good Omens and queerbaiting, because it’s been discussed a lot and. Uh

I don’t think Neil Gaiman was queerbaiting anyone, in the sense that he seems to have wanted to give us good rep. It isn’t perfect by far and I have my beef with the whole ‘they’re totally a romance but only in word of God’ thing, which I might go into later on. But, technically speaking, not queerbaiting.

Amazon? A different beast entirely. I have zero doubt that they saw this and thought 'perfect, queer viewers AND homophobes!’

Regardless of that though, and despite the things I’ve said in the past that might run contrary to this post, I’m going to say: this isn’t enough. Because we can say whatever we want about how Ineffable Husbands is canon, but at the end of the day the only characters who label Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship as romantic (or even queer in any way) are people trying to belittle them. This is not interpretation, it’s a fact.

I know there are people who saw themselves in the ambiguity, and I respect that. I’m glad people found something that was good to them. That still doesn’t change the fact that Aziraphale and Crowley are not canonically queer, not really, because anyone who refuses to see them as queer will still be able to say 'yeah but in the show…’ and right now we’re not in a cultural place where subtext is enough to make good rep.

This isn’t an attack on the show, or on Neil Gaiman. I know he’s been trying, even if his queer work is…well, it feels iffy to me. But it IS criticism though, and I really hope some queer person in his life will take him aside someday and let him know that. More than anything I hope he’ll listen.

Because he’s trying to do good.

But it’s still not enough.

Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
think, question

I have seen Spiderman: far from home

The world building is still wonky and I get the feeling Marvel/Disney has a tendency to think character development is too complicated so they put more explosions in their movies rather than bother….

But overall I was okay with what they did with Peter’s character (less so about the 1st credit scene, which I felt was taking the ‘new Tony Stark’ thing too far) and MJ is still cool despite the er…semi sidelining of franchise-native characters in favor of SHIELD personnel and Happy.

Idk, I feel like individually the MCU movies keep themselves in the 'formulaic but mostly okay’ zone, which I suppose is to be expected. Can’t look at them too hard from a broader perspective or they fall apart though, which kinda sucks when Disney is trying to extend its reach to space :/

Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
magic, books, sarcasm

Fic Back Friday

Banner for Fic Back Friday

It’s Fic Back Friday! And in this occasion I’d like to go back to another fandom I haven’t been active with in a while (not a fan of what they’re doing with the franchise recently, I’m afraid) let’s go for an X-Men fic! :D

The welfare of a child
by oddegg (2116 words)

Chapters: 1/1

Fandom: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Characters: Sean Cassidy, Charles Xavier, Erik Lehnsherr, Raven, Hank McCoy, Alex Summers

Additional Tags: Angst, Childhood, Neglect


Written for the 1stclass-kink meme prompt: Charles gets turned into a kid/baby. While the team scrabble to work out how to put him right they try to look after him. Turns out, Charles doesn't need much looking after. If he's a baby, he never cries. If he's a little kid, he's really self-sufficient.

Everyone's charmed/amused by this except one person (Sean) who is really unnerved by this. All babies cry. Kids that age are not that independent - they're just not. Unless they're used to nothing happening when they cry/used to fending for themselves.

Reccer’s note:

I liked this fic when I first read it, not just because it was sort of exploring the loneliness of Charles’ life despite his (many) privilege(s) but also because it gave Sean a lot of depth that the movie didn’t. sure, I liked his goofy character in First Class, but even the most ridiculous person has something else going on behind that, and it was nice to see a fic try t take a dig at it at a time when we still thought the new X-Men franchise would try and do something with its new-to-the-big-screen mutants.

Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
not sure, curious, what&#39;s going on, cautious, lemme check

My problem with the way fandom does Former Archangel!Crowley

I have further thoughts on the whole Raphael!Crowley semi-fanon thing that’s happening these days. See, my problem is not that it exists—it’s a perfectly understandable thing to think, and it was what I thought myself when I first read the book, so I’d be a hypocrite to say people shouldn’t headcanon Crowley as being Raphael’s new form[1].


That being said, lately this fanon has been bugging me, not on the basis on its existence but rather because of the way the fandom (or what I’ve seen of it) seems to handle it. It feels/seems to me like as soon as that headcanon appears, the attention shifts away from Crowley and focuses on Raphael instead, like fans are so obsessed with who Crowley might have been that the stop thinking about who he is. It makes me uncomfortable, honestly, because every time I’ve given a ‘Raphael!Crowley’[2] fic a go, the plot seems to revolve entirely on his former fact, I’d even go so far as to call it his dead name.



Collapse ) </div></div></div> Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
trans, me, default

Work in progress Wednesday

Banner for Work In Progres Wednesday

Today is Work in progress Wednesday *and*, @caloub tagged me in the “Last Line” challenge, so in honor of that, here’s the last (complete) sentence I wrote so far for the Good Omens fic I did not expect to write but am more or less working on anyway:

Sure, the air conditioning gets better there, but the corridors also get smaller, busier, and far more crowded with electronic devices in the walls that make it impossible to drive the temperature lower than pleasantly-cool-on-the-Crowley-scale[5] even in the winter.

[5] Everyone else sweats and showers two-to-six-times a day.

I’m actually pleased that this doesn’t reveal the setting of the fic because I kind of want to keep it a surprise and/or teasing people about it–it’s a fusion fic that, again, I hadn’t expected at all xD

Also yes, there will be footnotes, because this is a Good Omens fanfic and I always half want to add footnotes anyway so I certainly wasn’t going to pass up that opportunity :D Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth
trans, me, default

(no subject)

Also before I go to bed, let me just say that as a not old but not exactly among the youngest (or the most virile) trans man, I’m so so so happy to see Aziraphale/Michael Sheen onscreen!

No offense to the young trans dudes whose pictures get shared around but they tend to look like young jocks and/or thin twinks and that has never ever been my body (or, in the case of the jock-ish looks and the attached stereotypes: personality) type and it’s honestly a great feeling to have someone like Azi/Sheen as a general template for post-transition goals that feels realistic and attainable for me.

It’s a nice change of pace and I really appreciate it.

Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth