So this week I found out that guy had a major crush on last year separated from his girlfriend of eight years. I wish I could say I was very surprised by the way I felt, at the news, but to be honest, not really. I’m also not really surprised that most of it is complicated and weird and not always comfortable.
Like, aside from the him-specific bits and the kinda unavoidable disappointment in knowing your crush doesn’t like you back, it brings back a lot of questions and fears I have about dating as an almost-definitely-gay trans man, especially pre any kind of transition other than social and it’s...not a comfortable place. These are questions I don’t have answers or models for, and I don’t really have an offline community where I can try to come up with answers for them.
I don’t know any other trans person in Phnom Penh, and while my friends are absolutely supportive and all, these are not problems they’ve been confronted with before and therefore they have even less information, let alone answers, than I do.
(I was talking with a bunch of them at lunch today and at one point I talked about my experience s a trans guy, including the knowledge that being interested in men who like men can be real complicated when you don’t have a dick, or plans to get one, and one of them sort of...didn’t believe it could be a problem, at first. Which, on the one hand, I get it: if you’d told me before I got more informed on queer topics that cis gays could be transphobic, or that gays could be biphobic etc. I’d have been surprised too—I was surprised when I found out about it, though not as much as I’d have thought I’d be—but on the other hand: it’s always frustrating to express a fear only to have someone deny its legitimacy, even out of very well-meaning ignorance.)
There’s no solution I can think of to these issues right now, except maybe got to sleep and hope I’ll feel better tomorrow but it’s still not my coolest evening this week, and I wish I had a pet I could hug.
(Note: I'm aware I haven't been active here in ages and I'm sorry about that it's just that what I like about DW (namely, that it requires actual effort to work as a social website) is also what makes it more difficult to use during franctic preiods like I've had for the past couple of months, or weeks at the very least. sorry :/)
Crossposted from terresdebrume@dreamwidth